Mental Patients,
Well, I don't usually discuss my emotions. Not to the extent that I am about to now. And maybe I shouldn't, maybe it is too personal, but well, quite frankly, I just don't give a damn.
There are few things in this world that scare me. And no, I don't mean scare as in "Oh, I'm scared of spiders" or "Oh no, not a clown!". I mean actual, body shaking, terrifying, heart stopping fear.
One of these things is love.
I have learned the hard way that whenever I love someone, they end up hurting me. My parents, all my ex boyfriends, all my ex friends, etc. But now I have found someone who I know, without a shadow of a doubt, loves me. I'm not particularly use to this, and I am one of those people who fear the unknown.
What if he is just a good actor? I mean, even my dad, whom I was lucky if I saw once a year before he died (not really, i just sorta killed him in my head. long story.), didn't want me. And don't get me started about my mother. But the thing is, this guy actually loves me. I can see it in his eyes. And I honestly love him. With every fiber of my being, I love this guy. I'm just scared of being wanted. He told me just earlier that he feels lucky that a girl like me loves him. I'm not use to guys feeling lucky to have me. Not use to people wanting my love. Not to this extent. Sometimes I wonder if I am in a coma or something. This must be a dream. For someone to love me like this, and accept every flaw I have, and I have many, and still want me..... Its unbelievable. Inconceivable. And partially insane.
I am either really lucky, or fucked and stuck in a dream. And if this is a dream, I pray I never wake. I feel like I can handle all the bullshit that is thrown at me, all I have to do is look at my Ipod, and see the pic of him on my home screen back ground. And then I smile to myself.
I know, this just sounds like the ramblings of a girl with low self esteem, but really I am just a girl that has learned the hard way that love is hard to find. Even in family. I know, I have some family members that love me. I have my nana, my auntie, etc, but still. I guess its different with them. The love I look for, its different. And now that I feel like I have found it, I never want to let it go.
If anyone comments saying that I need to "love myself before I can love anyone else", please kindly refrain. I have heard this way too often. I do love myself. I am just not use to others loving me as well.
No comments:
Post a Comment